Trapped In The Margins

Dealing with change is the most difficult thing for me. I always fall back on the familiar. Old habits really do die hard. My entire academic career should have prepared me for this moment. Yet, I have never felt more unprepared or scared in my life. I was always ready for graduation. I looked forward to never having to see people again. I looked forward to having a future that seemed brighter than the present.

Graduation promised a new beginning and I could not have been more open to the idea. Now, I am sitting in a puddle of confusion when I should be confident about the future. I mean, I know more now than I did in high school. I’ve had more life experience. I even got to travel. So, why do I feel so confused and alone?

My life is about to change again in a drastic way but this time I see it coming. It terrifies me. Seeing the change coming is the worst part because I think I know what’s about to happen. I don’t know what’s going to happen and the control freak in me is having trouble dealing with it all.

I am not ready for the world that awaits after graduation. I am not ready for the responsibility that looms after I walk across the stage to receive my diploma. I am not ready for the goodbyes and congratulations that will deafen me. I am not ready for the stream of tears that will run down my face due to conflicting emotions. I am simply not ready.