Trapped In The Margins

My online life and real life have been parallel for as long as I can remember. They were two streams that never met. Two roads that never intersected. But now, that time is over. My “secret” online life has been found for the most part and I am terrified. I am afraid of what this means for me. I am afraid that this exposure will change people’s perceptions of me. I’m even more afraid that it will change my perception of myself.

For years, I have been fracturing my identity. I have become what people needed me to be. I was the dutiful daughter, the honor student, the selfless volunteer, the loyal friend, the little sister, the curious one, the one without a filter, the observant one, the quiet one, the obnoxiously loud one, the emotional one, the emotionless one, the empty one.

I have taken on so many other identities that I do not recognize myself anymore. I have become who I needed to be in order to survive. But when does survival end and living begin? Questioning my identity has become routine for me. It’s the time when the philosopher in me comes to life bringing all of the difficult questions to the surface. Questions that I have never wanted to answer. Questions that I have been running away from for years. Questions that need to be answered. Questions that can never be answered.