Trapped In The Margins

Focusing on the present was never my forte. I was too preoccupied by the past or the rapidly approaching future to focus on the present. I made excuses for my past mistakes while making plans for a better future. I was stuck in this dichotomy that was absolutely maddening. I felt lost in the moment. I felt trapped in a constant state of flux. I was stuck.

I didn’t learn to be in the present until this year. I had to make a decision that would change my future. There was an overwhelming feeling of doubt in my decision making process. Doubt spread like a virus, exacerbating my feeling of interiority. I knew that I had to escape and I paid the price. In the process, I potentially screwed up my future education plans for the sake of my sanity. I had to do what was right for me, not the past or the future me. I had to do what was right for the present me. It was the best decision that I have ever made.

I don’t doubt my decision now because I came home in time for a funeral. There’s another funeral looming on the horizon but I’ll save that post for another day. I know that I have to be home now but things are different this time. All traces of doubt have left and the slate feels clean. I began to follow my instincts, building from the ground up. I began to appreciate that moments too quickly become memories. It’s better to just live in the moment. I’m not afraid to take a selfie or photograph a sunset. I’m not afraid to say how I feel.

I don’t know where the future will take me but I am not afraid for the first time in my life. Anxiety is no longer the monkey on my back and depression is no longer the monster under my bed. I refuse to hold myself back any longer. I’ve seen parts of the world and it’s beautiful. There’s so much more to life than my corner of New York. I have a lot of world left to see and I can’t wait to see it. But that’s in the future. Here’s to the present.