Trapped In The Margins

“Wow, you’re so tall! Do you play basketball?” I wish that I could say that I never heard this but phrases like that plagued me as a child and continued into early adulthood. My childhood friends and I were used to these comments. I remember one year we actually tried out for basketball, after years of being inundated with such comments. My lack of hand-eye coordination, no interest in basketball, and no longer being physically fit left me a huffing tall blob on the court. I let people pressure me into something that I had absolutely no interest in but I did get a lovely pair of basketball shorts for my trouble.

Being the tall girl was never really easy but it helped that I was surrounded with girls that were taller than me. We were a dominating force. A bunch of misfits with various interests. Yet, we all succumbed to the same phenomena. We were all told that we were too tall to wear heels. I loved wearing my mom’s high heels as a child. I still remember that pair of blue satin heels. They made me feel like I could command armies, have a corner office, or be the president. I felt so in control of my life when I put them on but I still let society tell that I was too tall.

I see now that I begun emptying myself from an early age. I was open to any change that people threw my way because I naively believed that people would like me once I changed. People began to ask more of me and I happily obliged, thinking that I would become a better of myself. I began to lose every facet of my identity. The doubt burned a hole into my brain and left me questioning everything. I looked in the mirror one day and I could not recognize myself. I have many regrets and they all stem from shame. I was shamed into being a version of myself that I have not been comfortable with for years. I was shamed into being the worst version of myself. I had internalized all of my abusers’ voices until they became my own.

Two weeks ago, I decided to wear a pair of wedges in order to take my first step to wearing heels. It felt odd to be a few inches taller. Everyone seemed more out of my reach but I didn’t feel ugly. I didn’t shrink myself or hide that I was wearing heels. Hell, I actually showed them off to everyone that asked me if I grew. It was a freeing moment to point to my feet and see the black wedges instead of flats. I felt really beautiful. I didn’t think about how any of the usual factors that run through my head when planning an outfit. I was just a girl with a crazy dream of wearing black wedges that happened to be tall.