Trapped In The Margins

Her eyes were ember colored. They pierced me with an intensity that has never been replicated. It was nice to be seen for the first time and it felt as though she really saw me. She laughed at my jokes, jokingly punched me in the arm, and put her head on my shoulder as we waited for the bus. This girl was my destiny and I felt it in my bones. She was also the first girl that I ever allowed myself to like.

See, I was born and raised a good Catholic girl. Liking girls was never condemned but as my father put it, “I would rather you love Adam than Eve.” I was only a kid. 16 years old may be mature in parts of the world but I was still a stupid teenager in New York. A stupid kid with a major crush on a girl that happened to be one of my friends. I remember befriending her mom just so I could get a ride home. We lived close enough to each other that a ride wasn’t out of the way. Her mom loved me and what was not to love? Her daughter befriended an honor student, the class representative, the religious education volunteer. I was a good friend for her daughter to have. I wonder if her mother knew how I felt. Her mom was accepting of her daughter’s open bisexuality. It never registered that I was also bisexual.

My feelings for this girl only grew as time went on. The rides home, the playful jabs, and her head resting on my shoulder became more frequent. My body felt like it was on fire. This girl could tell me to do anything and I would have said yes. But I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to risk our friendship. Having her in my life meant everything to a broken person like me. She was there for me when my brother was killed. She was the only one who knew how to handle my pain. She didn’t pity me. 

But alas, I was relegated to the friend role because I refused to let my feelings be known. She ended up moving away at the end of our sophomore year but we kept in touch for a while. She would call me when she got out of school and waited for her mom to pick her up. I lived for those calls. That was back when you could call someone in your cellphone network for free versus out of network charges. The calls eventually stopped as she became aclimated to life in the South. My life in New York ended up spiraling due to poor choices in friends.

We kept in touch for two years. By then, we were both college aged. I went off to university but she didn’t. She ended up meeting a guy and became pregnant. I was livid. I was so hurt by something that had absolutely nothing to do with me and I ended up losing a friend. I never outright said abortion but I did say that she was too young to take on something like that. She rightly told me to fuck off and I did. I never realized that I harbored some residual feelings for her.

There’s a part of me that wishes that I were brave back then and told her how I felt. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Those versions of us live in my memory and I am eternally grateful for her.