Trapped In The Margins

I don’t know what I was looking for

I just felt like it was too late

I spent my youth playing games

But mostly running away.

From myself

From my family

From the cruelty of living.

But I couldn’t run forever

So I ran into the arms of a man

Who held me like you hold an antique doll

With reverence and fear.

But all I wanted to do was catch my breath.

I wanted to breathe deeply for the first time

And not be afraid of living

Of loving.

The warning signs were there.

Each more worrisome than the last.

But I didn’t care.

I wanted someone to fill the void.

To make me feel normal.

To give me what society said I should have

But instead, he took it all away.

I was another conquest

For a sad, lonely boy.

One who would fuck his mother if he could.

Oedipus complex on 1000%

He left my bed that night

Never to be seen again.

But he lives in the dark parts of my memory.

The parts clouded with shame.

He violated the sanctity of my home

My body became my enemy.

He creeps back to my thoughts from time to time.

The boy whose name sounds like the archangel

But whose name really means “God has healed”

Of course, his name would mean healing

And he would be the complete opposite

Forgiveness is not an option at this point

But I am no martyr.

I won’t die for his broken promises.

But I promise to be mad as hell for him breaking them.