Trapped In The Margins

*Note: This post is from exactly one month ago.

My dreams have been more memorable since lockdown began in March. Lately, I’ve been having the most vivid dreams. They often start off pleasant then devolve into nightmares. Two nights ago I dreamt that I was on a date with my boyfriend but we were in New Orleans. We were walking along Bourbon Street, hopping from one bar to the next. The next scene had us walking down a random street. We ended up sitting on a porch bench and swinging gently back and forth in the moonlight. It was beautiful. Everything was illuminated by the moonlight but this means that I didn’t really see the face of who I was with. I began kissing the now mysterious figure, but it felt wrong.

I opened my eyes in the dream to look and immediately pulled my face away. It was an ex-boyfriend. Actually, it was THE ex-boyfriend. The so-called “man of my dreams.” Trust me the irony is not lost on me. But you know the one. The guy that society tells you is the perfect man – a 6’5 white man with blond hair and blue eyes, has a job, his own car, and has a dog.

Why did I dream about him?

I feel like I cheated on my actual boyfriend. But the dream gave me both the question and the answer. The kiss felt wrong. Everything about him was wrong. I can truly say I no longer feel anything for him in a romantic way. Hell I don’t even have the patience to hate him anymore. He was only perfect on paper, but had no real personality in real life. Actually, I would thank him for being such an asshole because it has led me to whom I believe is the great love of my life.

It’s sad the way in which media has created this invisible competition between people. You want to see if you have truly outgrown your ex. You want to see if they are suffering, especially if they broke your heart. The stupidest part is that this competition doesn’t exist. It’s something I’ve done to try to make myself feel better about my less-than-ideal circumstances. But I do think that I’m in a better place than where I was when I was in that relationship.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Every day I get to wake up knowing that I am in loving relationship with someone I completely trust. He has been the best part of my 2020. It’s not to say that things have been all sunshine and roses. Honestly, I have a lot of baggage and health issues which I have to deal with. But he’s there with me through this. I couldn’t be more grateful to love and be loved.