Trapped In The Margins

*This post was originally written on July 26th, 2021*

Happiness has always eluded me. I always felt like I had to be more than who I was. I was never enough. I never felt pretty enough, smart enough, fast enough, talented enough. The opposite was also true. I was too much. I was too loud, too nice, too emotional, too naive. This dichotomy threw me into an anxious state at such an early age that I truly don’t remember what life was like before anxiety.

My constant need to seek other’s approval also led to a crushing emptiness that I later learned was depression. At ten years old, I was already feeling the crushing weight of being alive. By thirteen, I was ready to end it all. It was exhausting to exist and my existence was difficult. Hyperbole aside, I did experience some pretty messed up things from age 8 through 13. Things that still affect me to this day.

The things that I did to survive warped my world view. All of my quirks were really coping mechanisms. The things that made me unique were trauma responses. But now my life has changed.

I’m happy so why am I crying?

The tears come at random times. Today was one of those days. I had a fun weekend just enjoying myself and then I had to return to my reality. That was crushing. I wanted to stay away and ignore my problems. But you can’t ignore the problems when the problems are inside of you.