Trapped In The Margins

It feels like I’ve been stuck in a loop for the past five years when it comes to working. I’ve had several different jobs over the years, some more stable than others. Each was a learning experience and all were traumatic in their own ways. I decided to end this cycle of crappy job situations by walking away from the job that I held onto for the longest time. The place was my home but it was a bad situation.

I started at a new company in June last year and it felt like it would be a great company with room to grow. It quickly turned into a nightmare situation as I was put on the most difficult client that the company had. It felt like I was set up for failure. Everyone left that client because they were the worst. I ended up developing neurological problems due to stress. I left that job in October and spent the rest of the month going to various doctors in order to fix my problems. I had a two month break where I couldn’t do much because I was trying to recover. I was also looking for a new job. I actually ended up working with a recruiter that tried to put me with a job that I wanted.

Needless to say, I got scammed by the recruiters. I believe there was an article in BusinessInsider about how recruiters are lying about jobs. Well, I was one of them. This job was posited as the best thing since sliced bread. I was so excited to start at this company. It was close to home and the commute wasn’t bad at all. It was remote but would become hybrid because they were opening a new headquarters.

I started in January and it was going well for all of one week. Then, a series of unfortunate events happened and I lost my momentum. I was able to hit my stride again by mid-February, only to begin to have breakdowns in communication with my manager. I remember having our weekly 1:1 one week and I asked her directly if she felt that I wasn’t the right fight for the company. She held her hand to her chest and said that she would never say such a thing. I was fired less than 3 weeks later.

I won’t lie. These jobs hurt me each in a different way because I did what I would do with relationships – give my all. Now, before anyone says that I am not a hard worker, I would like to share this. I have collapsed from exhaustion going into work at 6am and I have almost collapsed on the job from working through a severe medical issue (pre-covid). I almost died due to medical negligence. I don’t want to hear that I don’t care enough. I cared too much about jobs that did not care about me. I never want to live that life again.

I am currently trying to find a new company where I can find the balance between meaningful work and a balanced home life. And we are heading into another recession. The universe knows that I’ve been trying but it’s getting more difficult to take this setbacks with grace. Who knows what will happen during this recession? My only concern is that I finally break the cycles that have kept me trapped in the margins for decades.