Trapped In The Margins

There are no more boogeymen to blame for my trauma so it’s time to confront the next phase of healing – the inner teenager. This means that I have to examine my relationship with social media. I have a deep love/hate relationship with it. The beginning of this journey started with lesser known sites like Xanga and Bebo. Then, I moved on to everyone’s beloved memory – MySpace. I hid those early years on social media, actively lying to my mom about it until I was 17 when I asked her if I could get FaceBook. This meant that I didn’t have to hide that part of my life.

I have used it for years as a way to connect with others. I’ve had online relationships, made friends, found irl relationships, and documented more than a decade of my life on various sites. It’s engrained into my identity, Yet, I never used it to gain any sort of following because I had deeply rooted body dysmorphia/poor self-image/low self-esteem. I could never actively put myself out there because I feared being seen, despite wanting to be seen. Oh the irony. I was looking for people to truly see me and not what they wanted to see.

I’ve gone on to have several social media accounts, some deleted. I have four active social media accounts today. I noticed something recently that would have freaked me out years ago. I am not posting on social media like I used to and I am not actively lurking on apps like I did, even last year. My relationship with social media has changed over the last year. I discovered that a majority of the people in my life don’t use social media anymore. It feels inevitable in a way that I have found myself no longer drawn to it. However, that’s far from the truth for me. So, what’s changed? The short answer is love.

I owe it all to my partner. He’s not active on social media at all, despite having accounts. He lurks mostly, but never goes out of his way to post anything. I found it strange but most of the guys I know don’t actively use social media. It started one year ago when I met him. He was the opposite of every single person I had the misfortune of dating. He did something that no one ever dared to do before – he saw me. I mean, he truly saw me and loved me despite everything. I finally got what I wanted after 16 years on social media. I found someone that understands me and doesn’t judge me. This feeling is something that I’m still struggling with but I could not be more grateful for it.