Trapped In The Margins

I was looking for a CD player that I used to own. It was my favorite color and I distinctly remember it having a radio function as well. I loved that stupid thing. I wanted to use it because I ordered a signed CD from one of my favorite musicians. I regret my choices and wish it were on vinyl but hindsight is truly 20/20. I had to go through two trunks of items from my pre-teen years through my early 20s. It was a wild ride.

I found a lot of things that I decided to keep after a decade of purging items from my life. I know that I will have to sort more things out and recycle or toss a bunch of things but that wasn’t my mission for the day. Needless to say, I did not find said CD player which means I must have tossed it in my early days of purging items before I recorded what I actually gave away or threw out. It was a semi-bittersweet feeling because I loved that CD player but I also realized that I have truly changed, just not as much I would like.

Organizing sentimental items always takes more time for me because I recall fond memories when I hold most items. However, I did not have the physical strength to sort through decades of my life. I had to save the sorting for another day. This trip down memory lane was the most brief trip that I’ve ever had. It took less than an hour to get everything back in order again. I even had time to get more items to put in their proper place and I threw out something that I’ve been eyeing for some time.

This brief trip gave me a bold realization: Once a loser, always a loser. External validation is a slippery slope that I have fallen down way too many times. I never wanted to be popular but I did seek validation outside of myself. I wanted people to like me more than I hated myself. Alas, it didn’t work. I ended up changing myself to become more like what people wanted and they still didn’t like me. I trapped myself in an endless loop of self-hatred because I hated that I kept chasing an idea of myself instead of being myself.

I no longer seek as much external validation as I used to but I still struggle with deeply rooted self-hatred. I used to say that I had imposter syndrome but I don’t align with that anymore. I think my deepest struggle has been being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world. My decades on the Internet should have alluded to my neurodivergence sooner but it was that annoying dance app which exposed me to the truth. So yes, once a loser, always a loser. But at least, I’m not alone in the feeling anymore.