Trapped In The Margins

Today is the first anniversary of the Capitol riot. It’s also the one year anniversary of when I could have lost the person that means the most to me in this world. My life was completely different a year ago. I had been engaged for almost two months and I was recovering from an emergency surgery. Everything changed on the 6th.

I walked out of the emergency room not thinking it could be the last time I saw that person. I thought that the person would be examined and then discharged the next morning like one of my many trips to the hospital. But it was different this time. The person started crashing. Doctors were called in. It was a true emergency. I felt my entire body go numb when they told me what happened.

I frantically called family and my then-fiancé to console me. I drove distraught to his apartment because I couldn’t cope with the situation. I was a wreck. I remember having to get something from my car and walking outside in the middle of the night only to get a phone call from the doctor working on the case. Surgery was required and a massive one at that. The person was being transported to a hospital better equipped to handle the severity of the case. Covid be damned but I wanted to fly to that hospital. Just get in my car and rush there with the utmost urgency but Covid held me back. Restrictions meant I could only visit during a certain timeframe.

I couldn’t sleep at all that night. I crashed around 4 am I think but woke up at 7 am. I was running on little sleep and adrenaline. I called out from work. I stayed at the apartment practically catatonic. I could barely eat, couldn’t focus. All I could think about was that person. I finally left the apartment after two days and went back home. The house felt foreign and all I could do was laundry. I was not myself at this time.

Days passed before I was allowed to visit. I flew to that hospital. I ended up in the wrong part of the hospital at first but found my way eventually. I saw the person for the first time since I dropped them off at the emergency room. They called my name and I held back tears. This person that stood over my bedside less than a month prior had ended up switching places with me. Their condition far worse than mine but painful nonetheless. The next two weeks were a blur – split between the hospital, the apartment, and my house.

Two weeks went by both slowly and quickly. I remember quickly getting into a routine. I befriended a front desk person and called him my boyfriend. He made me smile when life was painful. There wasn’t much happening with my then-significant other but he tried his best to get my mind off of things. However, our already strained relationship was breaking down. There was one moment that haunts me to this day. He put on some stupid anime that I hated but watched because he liked it. He turned to me for a laugh or positive reaction and I couldn’t fake it. I told him straight up that I couldn’t laugh at it because I was hurting. It didn’t make sense to him.

I was hurting for those weeks but they finally came to an end. The person was discharged from the hospital and I couldn’t be happier. But this was the difficult part. Life would change for both of us. Two days later, my fiancé broke up with me. Needless to say, I was distraught. I admit that I asked him to not end things because I couldn’t handle heartbreak on top of everything else. I was an absolute wreck but I had to keep it together for my family.

The next three months were spent helping my family at home. I stayed home from work and poured all of my time, strength, and energy into recovery. The best thing I did during this time was find my therapist. We began meeting in February and she saved my life. I was in a dark place when we started. The worst thing I did was try to online date. I poured my time and energy into dangerous liaisons. I almost died with one of them, another broke my already broken heart, a couple were absolute creeps, and others were just a huge waste of time.

My life ended up changing again five months after the catastrophe of January 6th. I ended up finding my person. I got into the first healthy romantic relationship of my life. I found the person that I can truly see myself building my life with. A person that challenges me in the best way possible. A person that has fit so well into my chaotic life and provided a sense of peace that I’ve never experienced. No more butterflies, just a calm ocean breeze. I truly love this life for me.

I ended up seeing my ex at the end of the year and almost had a panic attack because memories came rushing back. I can say that almost a year of therapy has set my mind at ease about things. I’m grateful to that person for being there when I needed him but I’m also grateful that he let me go. Yes, he could have handled the situation better but it truly was for the best. He let me go and I found my person.

2021 was the most painful year of my life but it was also the most beautiful year of my life. The person who almost died has slowly started to return to their true selves. I am in a happy and healthy relationship. I am working at my dream job after leaving two toxic jobs. Life is good and I am truly happy.