I never really believed in love but I did believe in power. Love never felt attainable, at least to me anyway. Power felt far easier to acquire. I didn’t grow up believing in the Disney fairytales even though my childhood nickname was Sleeping Beauty. I wanted to be strong and powerful not pretty or dainty. The Disney movie Mulan was one of my favorite movies growing up but even then I didn’t think that I could find a man like Li Shang. Just three years later, Dreamworks would release Shrek and the world was introduced to Princess Fiona. Fiona, like Mulan, was a fighter. Both were strong and powerful women that happened to fall in love with their version of Prince Charming. Li Shang admired Mulan when she was pretending to be a man, while Shrek loved Fiona for being herself. These two fictional women (yes, one is an ogre) should have given me hope to find the person that would love and accept me for who I am.
My dating life has been a complete nightmare if I’m being completely honest. It started off in AOL chatrooms with randoms asking A/S/L, which means Age, Sex, Location. I, like so many others, lied about who I was. I think I made myself 14/f/FL or something. I don’t even know anymore. The first person I ever chatted with in any romantic manner ended up being very possessive. He always wanted me to be online longer than I could be. I was a child! But it didn’t matter. One day, he threatened me. He said that he knew exactly where I was and knew that I was lying to him. I was scared but I didn’t dare to tell my parents. I ended up deleting that account and starting a new one. I never went into another chat room again.
My fear didn’t stop me from talking to people online in various forums. There were so many websites, some that I couldn’t even tell you the name of because it’s been so long. I was just a child on the Internet with the words of strangers on a screen as solace. Their words made me feel less lonely, but it also made me feel disgusted with myself. I was constantly seeking validation in the zeros and ones of the World Wide Web. And it definitely felt like I got caught in a web.
The second frightening individual to haunt my lonely days was a man I met on IMVU. He claimed to be 19 but he was definitely older. By this time, I was 17 and felt invincible. I cut my teeth on those other forums and felt like I could handle the lies this person and I were telling each other. I was drawn to him because he was tall but that was pretty much it. We had a mutual love of the ocean but there was nothing else. He came in hot and strong. I guess we would now call this love bombing, except I didn’t fall for it. He ended up scaring me more than anything and I left that site to never return. By then, I actually let fear stop me.
This is when I made the switch to wanting power instead of love. I began networking and associating with people whom I perceived to be powerful, or at least those who could bring me closer to power. It worked for a while. I was able to be in the hallowed halls of Columbia University and the United Nations. I was able to peek behind the curtain, if you will. Networking scared the hell out of me, but I had to keep pushing if I wanted this elusive thing known as power.
Those days are long behind me. A pandemic, health issues, and age have changed my priorities. My quest for power shifted to self-discovery but something strange happened. I ended up falling in love. Love fulfilled me in ways in which the pursuit of power never could.
At the end of the day, love truly conquers all. I guess there was never really a question. Love or power? It’s love and it will always be.
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